Posted by Robyn Coburn
To http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
<<<I am having a hard time grasping how you raise
your kids into polite, respectful adults without any control.>>>
It's modeling. It's treating them how you would wish
them to be - with respect and politeness and kindness.
It's not punishing a child for being childish in
behavior or abilities.
It's living and enjoying the present moment as much
as possible and trusting the future to take care of itself.
Be aware that young kids living in freedom sometimes
seem "wild" and "uncontrolled" in comparison to kids who
living with punishments and rules will seem "compliant". Our kids are
honest, expressive, and have no fear of us. When they are older they are still
open, connected with their parents and charming. (Come to the Live and Learn
Conference - see for yourself.)
Our little kids will initiate conversations with
adults. They will express their opposing opinions and stand up for themselves
strongly. Other people might call that "talking back"; we call it
"having a conversation".
<<<My question is... how would you teach them to say please and
thank you?>>>
We don't "teach" them any of things you
mention. That is the whole point of Unschooling. We lead by example towards
them, spouses to each other, towards our friends and neighbors.
Since your child is so young you might get a lot out
of www.naturalchild.org This is an Attachment Parenting Uber-site.
<<<<It's just so vastly different than
our entire society has been trained to think.>>>
That is precisely why Ren
and Kelly have set up this [Unschooling Basics] list, and the sister lists
exist - because Unschooling is living in a way that is different from the rest
of society, and the thinking behind every decision and action comes from different
priorities than mainstream society, and mainstream parenting. Changing our
thinking is the toughest challenge for many. This list helps people to do that.
<<<< I'd like to know how you give
them structure in this type of environment.
I know I needed structure growing up.
I needed daily routines and rituals. I loved that we ate dinner together
at almost the same time every night. I
loved that my dad tucked me into bed and said the same prayers to me. I think stability is important too. I'm wondering how you set all this up while
still letting your children be free.>>>>
You may have believed you needed structure because
you were not Unschooled (or some other reason). Unschooling does not mean you
have to throw out every pleasant memory of your childhood, but it may make you
question why you enjoyed certain things. Please don't become emotionally
attached to the idea that your child will necessarily need and enjoy the same
things you did, although she may. She may want something different.
"Structure" is not something that is either
laudable OR reprehensible in itself. Try thinking of
routines and structures as an organizational tool that you can take or leave,
depending on your child's needs, and in any given situation, and that can
change over time. Rigid and uncompromising are two characteristics to avoid.
For many traditional families nightly dinner is the
ONLY time the family can get together due to work and school and homework. If
you find your family enjoys dinners together every night, or once a week, or
prefers that family meal to be breakfast, or prefers to eat in different
places, you are free to create your own traditions that fill the needs of all
the members of your family.
Some children ask for routines - then help them
create them. Understand that a routine should only be followed while it is
useful and helpful. Routines should never supersede the needs of the child.
<<<Are there any family rules? Any rules at all? For example, do you let your kid go out of
the house in the snow without a coat or sweater just cause
they feel like it? >>>
One of the things to think about is what you are
depriving your child of every time you force some rule on them, or make a
decision for them.
You are depriving them of the chance to use their
ability to make a decision. You are depriving them of the opportunity to feel
competent and confident. You are depriving them of a parent who is thinking
logically and living in the present the moment. You are depriving them of the chance
to discover something new to them about the world.
You are depriving yourself of the chance to make a
lifelong memory of some wonderful, unlikely, imaginative solution to the
problem before you that your child will come up with. When they are given the
chance to do so, they really do come up with some wild, different, creative
ideas in any situation.
Children are not stupid or willful or deliberately
manipulating. This "coat in the snow" example drives me nuts - being
so trivial. People can tell if they are cold or not. Just bring along the coat
without comment, and she will ask for it when she's ready. If however you have
set up a power struggle, or say "I told you so" in words or attitude,
she will likely act on her emotional needs for self determination, instead of
her body's cues, and refuse to put the coat for on long after she would have.
Rules are made to be broken, or gotten around, or
"let's find the loophole", or "let's test them and see if disaster
really will ensue". You have a lot of reading ahead of you on Principles
vs. Rules.
Try www.sandradodd.com
Welcome to the journey.